Memoir Final

A black hole, the huge gaping mouth of a monster, or so I believed as I looked down into the cave I was about to be dropped into alone. I was eleven at the time. A young age but I was more mature than many kids at my age. I was spelunking in Belgium. So called cave exploring, it sounds like fun till you get there and the reality of what you are doing kicks in. The weeks of work during the rest of the camp all led up to this. I had practiced rappelling, rock climbing, learned safety procedures, how to tie knots, and much more all in preparation for this moment. Into a cave though? I wasn’t sure I had it in me. Tight, enclosed, dark spaces filled with sounds, smells and tons of moving things to make your skin crawl. I was getting cold feet, and bad. I wasn’t alone though. Many of the other camp members were going through the same motions. I looked at the rope that would be my lifeline and my stomach dropped to my feet. It was smaller in width than my finger! I looked up to the man who was going to be supporting me down into the cave. He saw the look in my eyes. He gave me a comforting nod and said, “You got this. All it takes is getting over the edge. I have you, you’re not going nowhere,” as he patted the rope and harness he was wearing. I looked over my shoulder into that thick darkness, and I went for it. Looking back at that moment makes me proud. I stepped up and overcame my fear. It had never happened like that before and I feel as if a barrier was broken in that moment. Since then I have had no problem attempting new activities. As a result of my experiences in camp and the support my peers and advisors gave me when I overcame my fear when I rappelled for the first time into that cave, I no longer let fear hold me back from doing anything and love to experience exciting new things. I am open and willing to try anything that comes my way and want to experience as much as this world has to offer for me because of it.
After the initial drop into the cave I was surprised by how fascinated I became. The fear was gone for the moment. The other camp members that had gone in ahead of me had moved on and their voices could be heard echoing throughout the caves. “This way,” I heard from around the corner. I began walking toward the voice but the light on my helmet gave out leaving me in partial darkness. The fear was back. I felt the cave walls closing in and my chest tightened. Once again a camp counselor saved me. “Hey, what happened?” asked a counselor as she came around the corner. She came to my side and helped me get the light working again. I said “thanks, you just stopped a panic attack,” and she smiled and said “that’s what I’m here for! Now come on lets catch up with the group.” I followed her onward. I remember feeling awed by the caves. It’s a whole other world down there. My love for nature grew immensely because of my experience. The stalactites and stalagmites; the rock structure; were all so unique and beautiful. Like nothing else on this planet. Deeper and deeper into the earth we went. I had thousands and thousands of pounds of rock above my head. I found myself thinking, “what am I doing here? Humans are not made for caves.” Yet there I was two hundred feet underground crawling through a dark cramped cave. We rounded the corner and caught up with the group and I felt a wave of relief through pass through my body. I calmed down when I saw other camp members were dealing with the same fears and their support helped get me through the experience.
As the trip went on we came upon a bottleneck in the path, where everyone had to squeeze through an extremely tight spot. Now I had a problem with that. I just knew something would happen if I tried to get through. Of course it did and I started to panic once again. A strap on my harness was hooked around a rock and I couldn’t reach around to grab it because I was in the middle of squeezing through this tiny gap. Thankfully someone was a bit behind me and helped me out. So once again I was freaked out by my trip into these caves. But I got through it all. I felt accomplished as an individual when I climbed that one last wall to get out of the cave system. At the age of 10, I think doing what I did was brave. You don’t see tons of little kids going out spelunking.
I think that is why it impacted me in the way it did. If I had a worse experience then I may still let fear control and dictate my life. But not anymore, I have learned that if I were to let that happen life would be boring and dull. I’m so grateful I got the chance to be overseas and get to have the time of my life caving in a foreign country. Not many people could say that. It may not have had as much significance then but looking back now I consider myself so lucky. I know that I would have eventually run into my fears and had to overcome them, but I’m glad it happened how it did. I’m sad to say I haven’t gone rappelling or rock climbing since then. I plan on changing that in the near future because now it has a lot of meaning in my life. If I could I would do it again in a heartbeat. I will never forget this memory. It stands in my mind fresh as if it happened yesterday. Every day I am reminded more and more of my spelunking experience. Coming to the University of Central Florida, where I currently attend, I have to deal with fear all over again. Fear of new people and of a new lifestyle. Fear of being alone from my parents. Fear of not doing well and not accomplishing my dreams. I take courage in that memory of the past because I know I can do it. I will not let fear hold me back from my full potential.